Nothing is real

The relationship we built these two years are not real. but the feelings are real to me. it hurts.

Yesterday.

The the before yesterday;

I confronted him, deliberately telling him what I've been hiding from everyone. Not for you to know but for me to keep (and of course he knows about it now)

He said he's okay with it, and I was touched at the same time I'm glad that he did not back off.

Yes, I've been hmm somewhat truly like him; the way he greeted me every morning, the way he wished me goodnight .. I'm getting used to it.

That day, I felt more than grateful that he didnt back off, really. At that point nothing really matters anymore, I love him and I thought it's okay if we are going to another level. I didnt expect much tho, but hmm it's my heart I'm dealing with. Ah, well, I cant stop myself from expecting more.

I thought things will get better, and of course it does till the next morning.

Yesterday,

I wished him good morning, he greeted me back. It felt good as usual. Yes, as i thought it will be okay, but no, it didnt go well. He started to talk about his mam. I know I'm not as good as her, I guess... He told me that he promised wont leave her. And he will get married by the age of 35 which is in two years time, and in his line, he did not even mentioned me. I am not in his future. I am not what he's thinking to start a family with.

That conversation shattered me apart, I wished we had never started anything. Tell me how I'm supposed to feel when I know that I can only spend another 2 years with you when I was expecting we would see each other forever. Ive always want you by my side every night, In your arms and able to kiss you in the morning..

He said I think too much, yes I did & I still do. For now Im just hoping for the best.

Taken aback, I cried.. and this song came up from nowhere.

Yours truly,

L.