heart & pills,
they don't connect each other
unless you are bombarded by heart attack.

i am my own heart,
you are the attacking mechanism.

i need my pills. which is your undivided love.

daddy, i love you to bones. no matter what.
i need you now and then. and it is like forever.

love,
the girl of your life.

alhamdulillah

Everything seems better now. with all the feelings. economically. but not physically.
im healthy so far. but im not in shape that i have always wanted.

God The Almighty S.W.T,

Give me more time to spare for me to love my body and to love who i really am.
Cast away all those evil talks, and intriguing evil smiles surrounding me.
Don't let me astray to far in this rapid momentum of life.
Inert. Anaesthetic.

make me a prodigy of my own life.

i call it a day.

today was pretty relaxing though.

did the laundry, i have to go back and fourth to the washing room cause i had to do 2 washings, dark clothes n another for the lighter ones. and it costs me about rm 35 . wtf.

had my food indulgence; all the unhealthy ones and i mean it. had cereals for breakfast frosted cereals arent good for health!! , salad and noodle for lunch salad that i bought from the hub; creamy dressing and with potatoes. bluergh.. , sandwich for errr snacks ? and two packets of chips. myyy myyyy.. and i had a cup of yoghurt, fish fingers & onion rings. and two bites of sonia's subway sandwich.

i went down to the high street and bought few things for my kitchen.

it was quite a day..

pretty miss miserable.

R E A D

get your arse working. you, lazy bum. time is running out.

.monologue.

i can't forget the night u whispered to my ear,

"i love you, baby"

now the world is trembling & my heart is falling all over again.

spinning wheel

my life now is like a spinning wheel.
i cant stand the frustration at the same time i have to cope up with the same pace.
i need to struggle .
i couldn't be left behind.

i love you & i really mean it.
i'm like a walking corpse looking for you.
whining and at the same time wishing.
im sorry. i know im not supposed to feel this way.
im sorry to go beyond the line that we both agreed.

but who am i to stop the feelings?

i am no one, and no one can fight or stop me from falling.
your charismatic character,
you are such a caring man.
you have everything that i ever wanted,
and you,
you are the man enough for me.
you make me sad, you make me worry.
but too bad, we could never be together.
we will never be.

august, 8, 2008

tenggelam

mendong jak rupa ari,
sejok. tajam.
sakit jiwa ku diat ari gitok.
biuk.

angkuh

berat bagai di timpa laut,
sukar ku menggapai nya,
lembaran masa depan ku.

oi pegi belajar lah!

tutup pintu

jangan kau bising
buat aku gila,
bengit di tgh malam.
hairan dan kaku.

dalam cahaya kuning
sudah di suluh
kau berkata pula,
"pergi.."

aku faham walau
itu hanya kata hati ku saja.
tapi aku sumpah.
aku faham maksud mu.

tutup pintu dan pergi saja.
bawa diri, bawa hati.
tutup erat berkunci
dengan secangkir benci.

lepaskan aku.

lepas la aku dari rasa macam tok.
Ya Allah, show me he's not the one.

padam semua rasa.
all the memories.
semua ya membinasakan.
bukan ati jak. rasa. and aek mata.

mbak pergi semua rasa.
kuborlah di sine-sine asal bukan lam ati mek duak.
we should never and will never be together.

how deep we feel for each other.
it's not going to happen.

don't tell me that you love me.
cause it hurts so much.
kata lah kau bencik aku.
kata lah kau sik sayang ngan aku.
sebab idup sikpat sama ngan kau, lebih seksa dari ya.

genggam aku sekuat nya utk kali terakhir.

wahai rasa cinta,
lepaskanlah aku. sekarang.
sik sanggup gik dah nanggong rasa.

tolong aku

membuang semua rasa.


.

shortcake

eccentric. that is what i called myself.

fake. i love the way you make me smile.

deep, that is how i much i love you.

hopes. it is you & my vivid imagination.

failure, me & you. its never gonna happen.

pagi yang sepi

aku menunggu cahaya bulan,
tapi ini seakan pagi,
engkau akan pergi,
meninggalkan aku tanpa pesan.

ku tunggu bayu pagi,
menghembus pergi nafsu ku,
bawakanlah nya pergi dari ku,
biar hati ku lesu tanpa mu.

pagi, kau hiasi diri ku.
jangan pernah kau lukai aku hari ini.

breathless candle.

Like a sun without its beam.
the candle seem to be lonely.
blunt and scarcely bright.

light has gone,
running out of its pride.
joy is nowhere to be found.
i'm lost.

in to the woods of sorrow.
and the scattered leaves
no longer leave the trails.
i'm lost.

like a breathless candle.
in a bottle.


* * * *


Lilin yang hilang,
bagai matahari tanpa sinar.
pudar di bawa masa

Kau pergi tanpa berita,
membawa pergi segala cereka,
aku hilang dalam duka,
pilu menemani ku.

Ku cari di rimba sana,
daun ku lihat tiada lagi hijau,
pudar seperti tangis ku,
aku hilang dalam diriku.

seperti lilin di hujung nyawa
di bawa ombak ke dasar.

malam

malam kelam bagai si pura-pura.
tanpa gigi si tua menggigit.
lemah tanpa cengkam.

aku menggapai, tanpa bingkisan.
jauh aku di tinggalkan.
terdampar kelonglaian.

kenapa siang menjadi malam.
dan malam sentiasa malam.

peak

im at the peak.

if i were to see you now. i would have hugged you and kissed you.
holding hands , and walk together. my head under your arms.

safe n loved.


this is an annoying feeling. thank god, i spilled it over.

crossed.

you promised you gonna fix this.
and WE will.

the feeling is so strong.

i want .

i want you to miss me like i missed you.
i want you to feel the way i feel about you.
i want you to notice that im not in your life in one of your days cause ive been trying to avoid you.

this is freaky,
im above the norm.

a reason to smile

bump. there's a reason to smile today, he finally say hi to me.
and


















said, he missed me.

pffs.

you are so fucking annoying.

bodoh, i was asking for a help with my work. nothing much anyway it was just asking how the function works.

i waited for like half an hour to get him reply my IM.

and all he replied was "hey goodnite, (my name) oh im sleepy, goodnite, im so sleepy"
i was speechless, heartbroken & was about to cry. how much you have changed lately.
maybe you found someone new who u can turn to. thanks to your new 'life', i guess.

i can't describe how suck it feels right now !!

it sucks! you sucks too! and you are so fucking annoying. i hate the fact that i really want you right now but you dont even botherrrrrrrrrrrrr about me.

maybe it is about time. maybe it is an awakening call for me.

stop this nonsense and get back to life, yes without you.

fuck you.

in denial

i fall for you.
i kept on denying until these few days.
i don't want to live in denial.

i don't even care if it is my heart is going to break.
i'm not living in denial.
not admitting my feelings
is like a cancer patient who's denying counting his days toward death.

eventhough the fact that you don't even care when i went missing in your life is painful.
but it is too stupid for me to deny the feeling that keeps on growing each and everyday.

i want you to notice when i'm not around.
but you never show like you care.
you never tell me how much you are longing to talk to me,
longing to see me. longing for my voice.

i don't care, i really want you.

i can't say right in front of your face, i'm waiting for you to finally realised it and by the time you realized,


it might be too late. even kinek tok, i know, it is too late.

fuck ! i know you never felt the same way as i do. i really know that. and im very sure !

sleepless.

dearie,

i can't sleep, maybe i refused to.
i can't shut my eyes and let the feelings go away.
it is too strong.
stronger than the smell of java coffee beans.
stronger than the morphine that hallucinates.

i can't describe what exactly.
but one thing for sure,
i seek your attention.

coldplay's "fix you" describes best,
when you love someone and it goes to waste.
could it be worse ?

NO.

this is the worst. and i don't know when will it stops.
when it will be cured.
how long does it takes to leave you behind?
how am i going to go through the days without you, knowing what is going on with me.
without me knowing what is wrong with you, what you've been up for?

i can't . it is fearful to give it a thought.
it is painful to see the future,
it is, and it surely doesn't do any good.

i know it is impossible, it is out of my mind
that we are going to be together.
i'm a fool, i know.
but i can't stop here.
i can't.

i just want to love you, as long as it feels possible to love you.


love,

the girl who sees more in you than others do.

i need you

one day it is heaven,

one day it is hell.


one second i was screaming with pleasure,

next, i found myself crying with pain.


i need strength. i need you.

help me to be whole again.

losing you is like losing the pieces of me.


apart & departed.

i want you. always.

and i think, i really love you and i want you in life.

i really do.

longing

sweet as chilli potato,
you burnt my soul,
savoury my heart with those salty tastes,
of tears.

i want you, i really want you right now.
it is so hard to say it,
it is so hard to admit it,
don't walk away from me.

i dont want you to go,
away from me.
all i want is you, and your attention.

dear god,

if it is not love,
just let it burn into fiery thunder of the nights,
don't let me suffer this much.

if it is not him,
let the feelings to be ceased with the spring wind,
don't let they come any nearer.

if it is not for you,
then let my eyes sees someone else,
stop deceiving my feelings with the sights of your kindness.

longing,
for you.

i can't wait till it's over.
but i am too in love to let you go.

a sudden

we enjoy each time together.

and out of the sudden,

the feeling of wanting.


more than what we have now.

i want the power that can deceive you.

the power to make you think of me each and everytime.

attraction.


i want you to be only mine.

to hold you now and then,

to be the one who you always look for.

insanity.


this never going to be true.

fuck, I messed up everything between us.

literate eyes

the eyes of sanity
look as fourth and forward
but it is not happening.
not physics.

the eyes keep on swelling,
mild scratches and echoing screams
flooded with warm mist.
tears.

the eyes trying to tell something,
the incandescent trust,
but they can't help it.
truth.

neither the eyes nor the sights,
can tell what I feel.